When we think of Spring we often think of renewal, new growth and new beginnings. This new season upon us has got me thinking of a lot of new things.
My world as I know it has taken on new beginnings and new meaning as I recently lost my Mother to cancer just two weeks ago on March 12th in the early Morning hours of about 12:30 am at Hospice Wellington in Guelph.
I was with my Mom as she took her last breath of air, she had terrible problems breathing this past year as she had lung cancer along with severe COPD, and emphysema. My heart broke that day she took her last breath as any Daughter would. Thankfully she was not gasping for air in her final days and she was kept very comfortable. I lost my best friend, confidant and mostly my MOM. I keep saying to myself, “OHHHHH MOMMM”.
I don’t know how I am supposed to behave now, what to do or even some days what to think. Honestly I am just going with the motions. I thought before this happened I envisioned me with covers folded over my head not wanting to escape my bedroom. This has been farther from the truth of my reality.
I don’t think I have slept in one day, perhaps it has been a blessing being so busy and not having a lot of time to think about the magnitude of loosing one’s Mother.
My Dad also has stage 4 lung cancer and COPD which he had been fighting now for four years. Like my Mom he too struggles daily just to breathe. Having not been feeling well this past Month we just found out this week his lung has partially collapsed. I had him at the hospital for his Monthly immunotherapy treatment when we found this out from an x-ray. Luckily he is on some heavy duty medications to help with the coughing, and lack of breath.
I haven’t felt a need or a want to write about any of the terrible realities of my life, however on this Saturday Night hanging out with the kids I felt drawn to dust off my laptop and type a few words after nearly a year of not feeling like writing. I have to say it feels rather therapeutic, even if only what feels like venting or moaning about what is going on currently in my life. I suppose that is what we are supposed to write about, things from your heart. Even if it is broken.
I can hear my Dad coughing upstairs, and my Son is now telling me to shut off the TV. Before my Dad retires for the night I have to check in on him one last time to make sure he has taken all of his nightly medications and give him a ventolin treatment to hopefully help him sleep comfortably. I suppose that is a sign to wrap up the writing of this post and tend to my current needs of caretaking.
Cardinals have been flying around the house a lot this Spring, especially the red cardinal along with a mourning dove coming to visit outside my parents bedroom window. Usually they come in pairs, as they mate for life however there is just one by itself Morning and Night found on the telephone wire. The other day I happened to look out and found both a red cardinal and a mourning dove sitting side by side.
Thank you Mom, you have shown many signs to me since you passed and it has been such a comfort. Perhaps I will share some of the signs with you in the future. Maybe you have signs to share from your loved ones who have passed to the other side.